Yesterday I had a heart to heart with Meng. And finally I know that I wasnt acting crazy and out of line. I did like that man. And I admitted it and I learnt that he knew and didnt chose me. He didn't chose me not because there wasnt a connection, or that he didn't like. He didn't chose me because of things about me that I can't change. It would never work. Never. And that is okay. So thank you. WJ and I had a whirlwind of dates movie, clubs, dinners, shopping. That most amazing walk. I like him. I shouldn't. We barely talk cause he's not much of a talker. He holds me and its perfect. but now he wouldn't talk to me. He's having a bad week. I'm being encouraging and I am hoping its really just that. I know deep down he doesn't want me. I've tried to make him smile, be uplifting. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anymore people. I dont wanna hurt him. I rather you hurt me, I rather you not want me.

Meng is helping me realise that there are so many thing about my thinking that needs fixing. that I am not as put together as I think I am. and that I want love so badly that I try to fit square pegs in odd shaped holes. I know now with E that I was so excited at the idea of being loved that I really didnt care who it was from. He also was interested in all the things I enjoy which was a bonus. And I think once again I fell into that trap. WJ like I said earlier is not mentally stimulating and I can hear my brain cells screaming for mercy. i need to stand on my own two feet. Love myself, give to myself in a way that makes me full. If I meet someone I like, I hold back. think about it. i let myself fall down into despair and all the pain I caused is now crashing crashing like waves upon the breakwater ceaseless and unrelentless.I miss you too much to think. To make any sense of it all and I cry empty tears for it has been too long, and my well of hope is dry. I want to come back to you my old ways. that seem so familiar like that crook of your neck as I lean in. I loved, I longed, I lost, I faltered. I've learnt, I've grown and I wanna run of this rut into love. what if you could dream and it would happen to you. really? baby I wish you would want me like I want you, sing to me or twirl me around in a daze. we would talk and not run out of things to say. travel to the 4 corners of the globe but feel right at home in each other's arms. We may have nothing, but each other and It wont mattter a heck. And when the day is done we would share a meal and play with our food. My heart would melt when you pout and I'd give in to whatever you say. I would close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat beckon me to sleep. In this bustle that you be my rock and I your pebbles. That being goofy would make you wanna kiss me. walls you ask. I left them behind somewhere. --- Dear Lord, Today I forgive myself for not being there for andrew and not being the strong enough person to love myself in that relationship. Lord I hope you forgive me too for breaking a bond that you blessed us with that went beyond just ourselves. It has taken me this long to realise that I still beat myself about it everyday. I seek your forgiveness. I pray that you grant me serenity. And I wish that you begin to teach me to be the loving open vulnerable me. peel away the layers and facades so that I may love, and I may feel,that I may be genuine and that I may see and others see.