i met the dancers from synergy yesterday, I met Denys from Cj earlier in the week and they both asked.. Why are you still single. And I do not have a good answer to that. I would like to have someone special in my life. I guess Edwin wasn't it. I so desperately wanted him to be. And now. I don't think that there is anyone right now. Hopeful and being delusioned is a fine fine line. I am thinking maybe I need to compromise more. Maybe I come across all wrong. what ever it is. they made it sound as if I could just walk into a store and get a guy. But I struggle at every level. I want to stop struggling and have it easy. I want to relish in love and give so much I feel spoilt. I acknowledge that I have shortcomings and that I have expectations, and that they do not all have to be met. -------- I guess when that happens, i would need to let myself fall that nothing might be perfect but perfect for right now. And that should suffice.

i fall in love with people easily. And those are painful words to swallow. I can't agree more, and there is no point in regretting it. I guess the only thing to do is to move forward think of what I should do and most importantly dont go back to old ways. I had a whatsapp companion in Edwin last weekend. And it makes me want to invite him over just to hold me. I resist the urge. He is the one person I know at this point of my life who would do just about anything within his power and I am afraid that I might want to do the same for him. Afraid. When I think of him I think of all the reason I could love him. My words are careful and my description flawless. The photos he takes of us, the attention he showers on me. The way he is in control. And then I think of the love I cannot have, the one I see in L. And each time I reach out to him, I feel him slip further from my grasp. But i know that in him there is a love that I would be ever so privileged to feel. I can't help but hold on. If you would let me, you mister, would make me the luckiest girl on earth. And that I want to stand by you no matter the weather. I hope that you can trust me enough to share your secrets with me. It is not fear I feel about loving him. Although I know it is more than unlikely it will never happen. I am nothing to him. forget him, let the hope fade for fingers interlaced and mornings in sweet embrace when late night and trivial fights can make me smile what the fuck is wrong with me that I push people that love me away and I love people who don't give a fuck about me. Screw lose, head all fucked. I broke a long time ago,I don't know how, I don't know what I did really. Whatever it is, I am going to do this right. slowly. extremely, painfully. I am going to make sure that I dont give a fuck what other people think about my rls. And be in love with that person completely. i mean I never fully gave myself the permission to love E. If i could have a do over, I would have waited before I got into that relationship. I would celebrate his birthday with a big bash, I would buy him a present for his birthday. And shower that gentleman with all the love he deserves. Who gives a fuck if my mother doesn't like him, or that he barely know anything about anyone. I get the feeling that I cannot love. I do not know how to without judging and trying to inflict pain on myself and on others. there is so much that I swear I will never do again. And it has been a deep learning.

and after it all, he welcomes me back with open arms and I resist the ugh to miss him. I know what I want yet there is something so familiar about him that makes me want to run into him arm embrace. I know that would not be the best thing to do. But My being is screaming to do it right now.

today I in 20 seconds of insane courage. I told Meng how I felt (past tense) about L. And boy his reaction made me Laugh *roll on the floor type* maybe even blush a lil'. I don't know what will come of it. The worst I guess is humiliation. All I wanna say is, its sorta surreal that I said it. I mean I have said it to others just not to anyone who would tell L not until now. Even then I have my doubt that Meng would tell L. My glimmer of hope is that Meng actually thinks that we would be good for each other. "Family business" was his response to work is work and I don't mix work with pleasure.

I only hope to get closure outta this. I have to move on and not leave space for people who wont leave space for me.


When drew told me that I might meet someone that is all his traits and more, for a long long time I thought that was a tall order. L is to me all that and more and I was gushing to Max yesterday how he used we and awesome in the same sentence. Gosh it started sounding like a school girl crush. I guess thats how sometimes he makes me feel. I dare not say that I've fallen for him, or I miss him. Those are BIG words. But I respect him, like him and want to spend copious amounts of time with him.

Last year, I didn't know it but our friendship kinda creeped into my life, the moment I lost it I knew I made a grave mistake. I would do anything to take the last 12 months back.

But we can't change that. And I just have to make the best of what I have and if that does not include L. I am okay.