kenneth proposed that if I wasnt married at 35 and if neither was he, I should marry him. Christ!

come to think of it..

I dont think that what I hope for really exist. Possibly because my concepts of love are simply not realistic.

I remember my first date with drew, how I dreaded it, kept complaining to ariel that this boy kept bugging me. The first time ariel held my hand, it lasted all but 10 minutes. It could have lasted longer, but I pulled away.

actually, it does exist. I just keep snubbing it out. Yeah.. thats more likely the answer.

there were many indicator that I had set myself that I didn't meet. And the more I tried to fulfill. I think it got tiring for the both of us. Thinking about how juvenile I was makes me sick.

but yea.. drew is right. I really need to deal with the problem. I dont ever want to put anyone through something like that. Commitment? K. funny story.. Popular belief tells us that the the things you dream of are the things that you want and think about the most.

However, in all the time that I was with him, I never once dreamt of him. Its crazy to admit it, I dream of his friends and family. About the strangest of things, but never once a faint hint of him. And that made me worry. juvenile ehh..

Back to commitment..

Commitment is working through things, enjoying the good times and relishing that the bad times WILL get better. I see my friends and my relationships with them. And I realise that I work a lot harder and fight a lot more with my friends than I had ever done with drew. With drew, I worried , then I ran, and left him reeling.. poor boy.

that I am good enough to belong in a relationship. Someone else being "too good for me" is a crazy reason to throw around. this person has made a commitment to you, and you should not doubt his intention. And yes there are going to be prettier girls n smarter women. But thats what a commitment is.

I watched lifen storm out of my home because yy. They fought just cos Lifen spoke to Jeff. Its not like Jeff is any competition.. They fought, shouting crying, slapping but not one mention of a breakup. Kudos to them.

How can I guarantee that the next time I get into a rls that I stick with it. I can't. But I need to tune out all the worrying and that is what I plan to do.

----------------------

TV my numburo uno inspuraceonada
Heard Kirby.. cute but.. what a name?!
say something to Nicco that would stopped me in my tracks
Wish I had that kinda guts

"I'll do anything to make this work"

I've heard it before, but never realised how hard it is to say. Too bad, that is still no guarantee that it'll last.. Boohoo..

I am masochistic. I have hurt myself.

If there was anything that I have learnt today from our all nighter.. was - be more open to relationships, to coupledom and most importantly there is nothing wrong taboo or discomfort surrounding the topic.

I had away been sold the cons of rls, and its lack of freedom. Why spend your time on a rls that will not take you further. No one ever told me that what I had NOW was all that truly mattered.

Knowing all these things now make me hurt and wish that I had someone right now to run to and cuddle. But I know that back then, knowing what I knew. I would have kept fighting the relationship. I think it was for the best that I left.

Thinking back, I kept fighting a phantom enemy - others perceptions. I worried for things that were out of my control and planned for failure. Instead I should have opted to deal with the problem when and if I ever had to encounter it. Being preemptive truly was bad foresight.

And when I see the future too difficult to handle, I dropped everything and I ran. Given every single excuse to break up in the wake of destruction.

----------------------------


the law of attraction

What you focus on will grow in your reality. For too long I have been focusing on why I had let him go, do I regret.

So now I should just focus on someone new. *Breathe*
I havent heard from A since Friday. I hope he's doing well. Wish he would come online. Kinda felt really stupid thinking that he would show up for training. Talking with him make me laugh so much, he always makes sure that there is something to smile about.. if not we're chatting about our great taste in movies and tele. I am beating myself up because never would I have thought that I would ever allow myself to fall for someone I knew from work, furthermore he's younger.

I wont say its love, or feelings yet. But I could date him. He makes staying up chatting with him seem effortless. I feel joy in his company, be it briefly or here online. I don't really know if that's a fair judge of things. But for the first time in ages, he's someone that I dare say I want to .. date. I bought him a gift... omg.. what is happening to me. its crazy.. can't believe i actually did that. But the moments gone, so what's next.

----------------

Would you be with someone, because you knew that they loved you? It would be a tough yes, for me. Though it might suck to not be loved in return. However loving someone unconditionally is one of the most simple, unadulterated pleasures.

Maybe that will happen to me. And when that does, give me the strength despite. And when it is reciprocated to hold on, maybe not too tight. Treasure it like everday is the last

-----------------------------------------------------

It has been tough knowing that after a tiring day at work, there is no one except me to acknowledge my little contribution to help make the world go round. That when I hurt like on the eckard table and my body is sore, if I wanted support I don't think anyone would flinch. It hard knowing that there is no one supporting you at the finish line. Listening to my skye helps.. blasted so that I don't have to hear myself think.

Time on my own no longer seems special when you are all along. I mean sometimes my friends make me smile, but not all want to see you through the tough times. You know, I am a fair weather friends the times have shone me that. To some, I care but their kind words usually do not ease my anxiety. Maybe I need to lower my expectations.

Whatever you focus on grows in your reality, I need to help it strink!! lol.. no more talking about this. Lets chat about posies and daffodils. Whirl around in a silly frenzy. Be carefree and fearless. That'll be fun :)

There are so many things that goes through my mind. I am glad he didn't show up. Would have made a fool out of myself. You have gotta be crazy wanting to do that. What were you thinking crazy girl*roll eyes* wahaha

you know today being mothers day and all.. I think about it. I wont deny that from time to time I wonder how would life had panned out otherwise. It might had created a storm, but I think after all the dust had settled, I would have had made it out in one piece.

BUT!! I am extremely please that I never even considered that course of action.

what left me wondering really was how, he never doubted, what to me sounded so insane at the time. I guess that right. I wasn't ready for any kind of responsibility. It was simply amazing that me took me seriously.

Happy Mother's Day world... You bear the weight of this world.. *smile*

It's not my turn.

I think for the first time I feel like I know what I am doing. Funny enough, it took me having to give advice to Fel to help me get to where I wanted to go. I know that that in just that night I caved, baby steps girl... that's all I'm aiming for.

I know it's going to be hard, it was hard having to let go. It is hard when you get reminded of the sweet things. It gets tough when guys pay you attention, but you know that they aren't serious about it. It gets tough going at it alone.

For Fel, it gets hard when he's persistent. For her it's learning to say no.

I sat there beside him, answered when he said he needed help. And for an hour I sat silently accompanying him as his head throbbed. I allowed him to rest in my lap, though how uncomfortable it made me feel. To say the least for Anhong and I, he helped our night's festivities come to a premature end.

He raised his head from his migraine "I want water.." his voice trailed. "Get me water" he asserted. No please, nor request. He expected that I get him water, more than once.

I guess as his friend, maybe he believes that he is entitled to certain privileges on the grounds of incapacitation. But as a self respecting person, if ever in that kind of situation, I would never allow myself to get slumped in someone else's lap nor require someone to nurse me.

Bottom line, if I need to puke, I'll do it without the self degradation and humiliation of having to be slumped over at the entrance or alleyway of a club. I would/should still be able to take care of myself.

Two nights ago we got to talking about how thing have deteriorated between J and I. I know its for the best, I've drawn the line. Apparently along with the line came a streak of cruelty and brashness that is polar opposite to "normal" me.

I realise now that what was a thoughtful question about asking me if I wanted a ride home, got turned into a awkward spitfire of comments. That I give was all my fault. But how can a girl not get mad when he ask you out but shows my in frumpy home clothes. He hates people who have money, but drives a sports car. He doesn't like sushi.. poo.. n highjacks me to do his english assignments.

The more I think about it, the more I don't really want to date, its awfully depressing. I think I have a lot more fun dating guys, nothing serious. Like andrew says, I have SERIOUS Commitment issues. And as much as I wish that they are resolved. It'll be a daily commitment to take it one moment at a time. Baby steps :)

Uncle Chris says to be patient, let love find you.. I guess there is some truth to that. It has found me before.

I have a curse.. I fall for people whose names begin with A.. Why is that? are there just simply a lot of A names. And to think that I had been dead set on not dating anyone who is younger. It's all coming to bite me in the ass.

He's online, and I am pleased. Unlike talking to M or V.. I am eager to find out what A did today. he seems to know how I am feeling, he always tried to cheer me up. Oh but this can't be.

"I can think of a 100 reasons why I shouldn't date you, but I love you and that's all that matters"

till my heart skips a beat, i'll wear it on my sleeve. I don't care if you toy with toy with it, because its better than having felt nothing at all.

I shared with Fel how difficult it is to not feel the way I use to feel around andrew especially when I met him. Holding him seems more familiar than standing an arm's length away. I know that, it ends now. I find myself wanting to be with him,it needs to stop, I need to stop caving to what my body wants and piece together my self respect. I mean I seriously doubt that he.. argh...

I'm rambling like a bumbling idiot.

The bottom line. Is I have to stand on my own, strike a balance between guarding and opening my heart to the enemy. I need to let my mind slow down to a crawl and que sara sara.

I am afraid, what if what I am saying actually make sense. Am I strong enough to follow what I feel? What will that say about me?

It been fun. I'll hold my breath. This cannot be happening