I think the key difference between him and me, is that I never did anything to fight for what I believed in. Instead cower in fear of the worst case scenario and take defensive action. I was always thinking od 10 steps ahead and failed to enjoy the now moment. Shit, I screwed up.

It all has to end with me.. and if it means letting go.. I don't want!
I still look forward to maybe a moment when I could hold him just a little longer than I should. Be there for him, even though we're so busy with our lives. I really couldn't give a shit. I know that too much time has pass to go back.

I wish for those moments

Argh.. cut the crap. Letting go is hard to do, but it gotta be done. He has. I should. Just walk away. Stop thinking about. The feelings I can't shake.

I shouldn't be able to know all those things, I shouldn't give a fuck. And why didn't I do all the things he did.. Like threaten to hurt myself or beg until I said yes.

God I feel absolutely psychotic... hope that booze and music can help settle my nerves. Can't wait.

its funny how time and space warps my brain. he's back and I really can't be bothered to meet him.

Talking to Kenneth yesterday made me feel really money minded about why is it I chose not to date V and what are the criteria for a man.

But what I concluded at the end of it all is that when push comes to shove, the money, looks, career, upbringing all doesnt matter as long as I have feeling for the guy. And till that happens, I guess its true there is no point brooding over spilled milk.

At some point, I like to believe that it can't be spilled milk if you wiped it and it keeps coming back.

at this point. I just happy, until someone comes along that will care for and love me the way I love them. I happy caring for what I love. I'm happy watching for the outside.

i read this email. written from him. and he couldn't have put better how I feel about it.. yes even after so much time has passed. I know I'm probably some weirdo for still feeling like that after so long but I have done everything to shake the feeling. only short of dating someone that I couldn't give a rats ass for.

i am this close to doing it. I feel like feeding myself to J. Just because that poor thing has never had a gf. he likes me and god he's so clueless. not being mean or anything... I shouldn't. yet I should.. oh.. but its so tempting.

in a moment it shifted, it came swiftly as I hoped. Now when I close my eyes I have fresh perspectives, a smile on my face and the anticipation for his return. I dare not say a word, I don't even want to meet him. Because if I do, I just want to hug him a little tighter than I usually would, I can't wait to hold his hand. Yet, I'm afraid to tell him. He wants to be with someone else.

then yet again, another day passes

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

It didn't mean anything especially since I didn't know who or where it was from. But he asked and so the game was on. I reeled when I dialed in the area code. I smiled to think that he remembered. Can't wait for him to get home.

It was so sudden, the way I felt. It came as a shock and I had to catch myself. I am surprsied by it all.

I dont know what to say or how to say it. I don't think the words will ever come out right. I can't wait to see him, welcome him home. I don't know if what I'm feeling is just bullshit. But I shouldn't subvert it.

training today was tragic.. Morning was a bust cos I couldn't manage the crowd. It was tough as after the break they began to fall asleep, do their own thing.. It doesn't matter what I did. I guess I've got to take responsibility for it..

Afternoon was really angelic, but I let the energy dip, I took their silence for granted and they ended up really lethargic. That's not desirable either. I guess that I really need to work on engaging the crowd.

I'm afraid to complain about work.. It might be a sign of weakness. YH said Hi... and gosh that was the brightest spark of my day.

Gonna sleep on it, forget n start afresh tmr
*haiz

I've come here for some reprise.

I thought that 5 hours was nuts... but tmr I've got 11.30 - 3.30 at Fuchun PS @ Woodlands. Then followed by 4.30 - 6.45 at St. Pats.

Argh.. I am feeling nervous. Its not that I don't know what to say, because I do.. Its just nerve racking to be stretching myself...

I only trained for 1 hour today, but I really felt the strain of not having enough rapport. I guess its no excuse, I will have to make everything much more enjoyable tmr.

feeling a little numb, a little haggard, a little bit frazzled. That maybe I am not cut out for this. Tmr is going to be awesome I just know it. I will think of something really wonderful to share.

Ariel made my day :) Had to grab dinner and his head looked over the veranda just as I walked up the steps of YIH. We sat and talked, yes there were much lesser things to talk about. But having a familiar face to share in my meal was awesome..

yesterday was tiring, but it was all good. I was happy, the kids were fun. In fact, the last couple of weeks were great.

today I miss him. that person that I left. I can't stop thinking about him. I was watching Friends. There were just so many reminders. I mean its not just the friends..

can't believe I was so blind sighted, to turn away the only person that I ever let myself love. It kinda sucks to hear that he's in a rough patch. I hope everything for him works out. There are some regrets, but I'll just have to suck it up. He was meant for bigger things, I hope I am too.

But whatever it is.. today I wish that he was with me, holding me and helping me pass the day a wee bit faster. Those images have started to fade, yet he hasn't. And for both our sakes, I hope that that too will come smooth and swiftly.

Thinking about all this reminds me of the first time I wanted him. He was in his school U coming up the steps of our final CL lect. What he did next was bold, but not out of the ordinary, and for the first time, I didn't turn a guy down.

I really have to stop that. getting high on the "falling" feeling.. Its times like these that I think J or K would suit me fine. Ahh. Fine doesn't cut it in my book.

I want to start over, go back and do some things differently, very differently. I watch zhen now, and god, why was I such a woosey.

Argh.. what's it now anyway. I'm happy. I'm contented. who's to say if I did it all over, I wouldn't make the same mistakes.

today I don't feel very brave.

I missed that.. being able to hang out. It was so fun today lying on the pavement of the park. Lemon tea and sparklers :) When you are in a relationship, you forget about all the silly things. Dates, dinners, cuddles and the daily lives becomes a routine and you forget what it was that you fell for that person in the first place. I'm glad to be on the outside looking in ;)

I hope that when its my turn, there will be no more hesitation, silly insecurities. I'll have to keep reminding myself. Promise :)

Brooding about it, beating myself won't solve a thing. Never again.

Be your own rock.