on one hand I cant believe that I managed to put all of how i feel into words. and that andrew is still here to support me. on the other hand I feel that I've heard this all before. i don't want it to be true but I think I know how this all unfold.

From where I stand, It all starts really perfect. We talk we cuddle just cuddle, think about all the great memories that we are going to spend together. Take about the things that bug us throughout the day. Then before I know it, I give in and i do my best to think positive about it. That its not going to affect me this time around. That being intimate with andrew will lead to a back to where I felt.

i want to resist it, but sometimes its just so tempting. It feel good when were together, but I cant help but feel that the world knows my secret as I travel home. I feel that the role of a girlfriend is to be touched and give pleasure. thats partly why they pay for other things like dinner and movies. I mean its the tradeoff for getting some..

I mean if someone could just explain to me how do people grow in love by having sex. then maybe I'll start unravel this the hurt I feel that I cant have a relationship without putting sex into the picture.

i want so badly to have a life with andrew and this is just one of the things that I cant put to past.

I want to make it work, I am willing to have sex. but I feel that apart of me has to die for that to happen. and i dont want that
I guess andrew can keep coaxing me into it, that the regret I feel only sinks in after its long over.

andrew I feel that in this aspect you deserves someone who looks at life the same way you do. I really want to be that person, but I simply do not understand. I would like to...

you know i havent heard from you in the last 12 hours.. I was thinking what could you be doing.. but I shall stop there and not let my mind wonder.

since doing it my way hasnt worked for me at all, lets just do it your way.

i cant live without you. I know that now.

i think dear deserves to know what goes on in my head...

Dear Andrew,

i have been looking back at our relationship on wednesday and thinking about all the things that mademe fall in love with you. There are so many. Like how you came to my rescue after the most dreadfulfirst day of work, when you grabbed my hand to cross the road long before we were even together. How you made me feel like a princess even though we were only eating sushi and pastries on the countertop of your kitchen.

I can think of so many sweet things that you have done for me, I only hope that you can do the same. It might be a case of I can't live with, I cant live without. There is so many times that I miss you but nights for me have been the toughest part of the day, like I wrote in my notebook...

" I am trying to capture, how I feel about you. Sitting here alone, I want to call you. but i know that you are fast asleep, I feel more than a tinge of lonliness wishing you would call to tell me everything is alright."

i want to be completely honest, but I sometimes don't know what I am truly thinking. when I am at home thinking through how I feel about us, I think my stand is clear. And then when you call and I talk to you, your assuring voice just melts this tough front that I put up, all the furstration that I have in our relationship away. It just makes me want to take care of you.

I think I harbour much resentment about our physical relationship. about the fact that I could do you so much better, if our physical relationship wasnt there to hold me back. I understand that I do not set clear boundaries for myself, and when I do I do not live by them and i beat myself up when I don't. I know you've been baring the brunt of it and for that it is all myy fault.
What I really want is a relationship based on love for each other shown in the simple gestures in the warmth we share in each others company and not simply in the companionship in bed.

seeing you watching and waiting on ken and geraldine struck a nerve. for me watching you only reaffirmed that what we do behind closed doors is dirty and demeaning and I hate myself for it. what I hate even more is how I do not stop myself.

now looking back on the relationship from this perspective, I find a lot of holes in our relationship. one that shows cracks from the very beginning. one that has awkwward moments when we are together, where granted there are a lot of good times, but for every good time there is a not so good time before and after.

hand holding to me marks the inevitable sexual encounter that is to follow, it means to me that we are sexually active and all the things that I feel stunts the growth of two individual that are learnt about and learnign to love each other.

baby boy you mean the world to me, and writing all this makes me miss you a lot. I dont care that we're not perfect,and i hope you forgive me for being so insecure about almost everything. i just want to provide for you the way you provide for me, but i cant do it without a little help from you, please help me, we'll lay off the long hour behind closed doors for laughter, real hand-holding and a read picnic. let me love you the only way i know how, let me be your solemate.

I hope this captures how I feel and want about the relationship that I have been pushing away for the longest time, its time I faced it head on. Its time I asked for help.

love,
zhi

i am reading all the post that I have writting long before this.. and they all ecko how i feel. I am truly sorry my baby boy. and like it says it only means more rocky times for you ahead. but I have a good feeling about this time. I think i am ready to work it out.