has there been anybody who knew just the right things to say, at the right time
walk you home, after you had walked him home
listen to you rant and grabbed you so hard that all the hurt went away
someone whom you would tickle just so you could get close to him
we use to talk, go out for beers, just us two
hang out with me for breakfast
share pains, and simple pleasure, double the good news and hug away the bad
he's been there, and I've been there for all his highs and lows..
school. friends. army. uni. work
and suddenly I have this chance, that I never had before,
now just to hold on till he comes up for air.


I had a sudden jolt of reality
How I hurt him, how we didn't work out, how I left him hurting.

the rest of that post...

I have been sending a lot of time hanging out with him, I catch myself looking at my phone hoping that he's messaged. Yesterday we were about to get into didi's car and he opened the door.. apparently for himself and I.. stupidly thought it was for me.. sat down and fervently thanked him. Only to find out that he is the smut that he is and he only opened it for himself. Still cuddling with him sometimes makes he think that life could be so much better.

I hate catching myself vulnerable like that.

then the doozey we were all out for drinks on Saturday and we were all playing truth or dare, Ariel's idea.

And question no. 1 was for ariel,
"when are you going to get married?"

he paused, then replied " Stacey and I broke up."

and apparently its been for a while now. It has come as a total shock to me, because I passed the "we didn't even get a chance" mode that I was feeling some time back.

Firstly, I want to help him through it, but I don't know how.. and now that things between me and smut is going somewhere.. I a case of this nagging list of "what ifs"