I've told him, and i tried.. by the time he told me it was too late...

for me it is not as simple as what my heart says..
my heart...
I love andrew, and that bottom line
but how can i explain y i'm always disappointed
why no matter how good he is to me, i always seem to feel that there is something amiss.

i think its very easy to say that i want to be with him
and that nothing we've done has rocked the boat

in my eyes andrew has given love that i will cherish for a lifetime
and as i say this my mind is still made up about leaving him

i know that if i see him again, my heart would give in, like it has so many times
andrew baby, i know you say to follow my heart, in that case i want to be with you
but baby you said that a relationship is more than love, its true..
hardwork and patience..
i know its not your fault that my schedule always clashes with your
and what timewe've had lately, is sparse
i leave each time a little more heart broken than before
i'm sorry that i have to let your world come crashing down
because if you werein front of me,
i wouldwhatever it takes to keep those words
out of earshort..
but these words are mine and it aches me that i am comtemplating this
but it hurt that i miss you so much, even when you are right next to me
its as if you've gone even before we get to spend some time together..

i love you baby, i'm not afraid of that..
but i feel so empty, like i'm the one loving you
and you just say the words back...

more and more my feelings are being stripped and torn. I love andrew to bits, my heart want to eat up all the plans that he has for us. I want to live with him, have his children. Watch him be a great dad. I want to love himthe way he says all those sweet things that melts all my fears and apprehension. I have come to love everything about him. andi am truly amased that he loves me so completely because i see so many flaws and he loves me still...

i'm rambling, but that is how it is with love. everything goes so fast that you lose your objectivity.

andrew i love you...

but the more i think about it, the more i've come to realise that these apprehensions i have are not going away.. though when i'm with you i am temporarily appeased. It is as if i've become so needy for your love, sometimes i want to deny it. like i've said before. our relationship has to be more then phone calls of love love.. it needs to be about effort. n i cant help but feel that i've been dealt the shorter end of the stick...

you might not realise it, i've scarificed family, friends, close friends to be with you. I do whatever it takes to make sure that your life is just as it was, if not better than if we were apart.

I've asked, just started to ask you to do the same, but you've not done anything other then what i ask, and even so what i ask i do not always recieve. I guess its my fault that i figure that you would take the initiative.

but then again i've been waiting for men to take the initiative all my life, i guess you're no acception.

don't get me wrong...i love you, i love everything about you..

i guess i need to accept that it is not enough.. i really don'twant to leave you.. you've been my comfort zone, saying goodbye to you is saying goodbye to a good friend, to hugs, kisses, to sweet words, to warm embrace.. i'll never have that again... never...
do i really want that?
no
but i know that it is the right thing to do.

i guess he has been waititng a long time to hear what i have on my mind and now that i've realised what it is and i've told him i guess he's not really ready to hear all that. On top of that i called his bluff about studying in Singapore. Even though its what i've wanted to hear, what i did had to be done in order for him to find some direction.

he said thatin a relationship on top of LOVE, you need patience and hard work. my patience has run thin, and though my knuckles are bleeding all i see is just a faint glimmer... Andrew, you just arent putting much effort. you take it as it is.. do as you are told.. i'm not too sure if there are things that you kept your word about... but still i love you, and is that enough

you might be oking whenyou say this, but i do take it seriously. you keep criticising me letting sam criticise me and then you laugh, it hurts.

you say you love, and while you do you caress me intimately, i just feel that its really derogatory lik i am in your bed, under your sheets for your fancy and for my skin. i still love you, and so i come back each week to please you work hard at our relationship. you are wating my time.

and yet when i see you there is a calm that sets, and i cant bear to hurt you or leave you because i know how much wemean to you and i'm willing to love you and accept who you are

so how and where doi draw that line?

where ilove you enough to be pushed in this relationship, these are things i cant change or i do not feel comfortable telling you but things thatmake me want to run.

but still i love you

and when its time to talk about problems, you're not here. i'm left to handle it on my own.

man if it was me looking in on us, i would say get out!

there is no easy wyto say this but i think i might have to say goodbye to the hugs and kisses the warm embrace and the sunrays streaming through the shutters, goodbye to that pouty lips, and the hands that hold mine tight. its goodbye to being silly and hours of lazing. I'm making it harder for myself to leave... i don't want to.. but on the other hand i do...

its been a long time since i've written in here...
an thats a good thing...
but i have some things to air...
andrew is in camp and more than ever i feel that i need him near...
don't know why i feel such, but now i feel lonely los cos he's always in camp
i know he n i are powerless to that, n that is no reason to get mad at him
thing is that i'm not mad.. just jus broken..

that more i look that more i see his flaws... not that i they are not beautiful, but some are just very glaring..
i love him to bits, and all seems to flow when we are lying next to each other
and fall apart the moment he leaves..
do i do nothing, which is totally what i am against or fix it...
but fixing it means that i wll not have him at all...
its so hard, i love him... luv luv...
he has shown me that its okay to lean my weight on him
i wish he was here

but looking at it... my life with him is about waiting, aboutpother priorities about distance and i do not know if i can stand that much longer...