it was like an out of body experience, one where my fingers were flying across the keyboard and my mind racing. when I feel this way I usually head to the piano, but today grams is in the TV room. I hate me. today. ugly. boring . lonely. the girls dont want to see me??? what's up with that?? guess i'm just being emo.

You are a selfish person
one who doesn't know a good thing when its in your face
a heartless cold person, you could walk away from love

you don't know love, even when its with you
long for love even though you were showered with it
and now you can only blame yourself that its all gone
Gone!

you ought you walk the next chapter alone
just to feel it pierce you over and over
look on with jealousy at what others had
and you were never comfortable having
people like you are left with nothing

you are a selfish person
one who won't acknowledge even when love presents itself
you are foolish for questioning the validity of everything
when you should do as you feel.
throw away consequences, throw away consciousness
they are your devils
they have cursed you

you deserve nothing
you deserved to be left alone
harsh? that's what you do to others

He called.. from the airport.. as he was boarding the plane

Oh Crap!? What the hell!!!

I know he'll be an ocean away, but I feel like there is no hiding..

He had paid for dinner and so I offered to buy the next meal. It was fun catching up, especially since he will be leaving next week to head back for school. But on Friday, when we met, it was obvious that he didn't only meet me for coffee. He stalled till dinner and we had Jap. I mean he's nice but seriously.. uhh.. Nice doesn't cut it. And after coffee, dinner and dessert he headed home and n I needed to unwind. I mean when Andrew said it sounded like a date, my response? Sure, it sounds like a date but its Matt and I can't ever imagine matt and I... eeewwwhhh.... On a date. But when I got home.. My phone read "Hey darl..." and boy I couldn't read on... been avoiding him since.

On Thursday as promised, after work ended at 10, I headed to Wala to meet Eugene. Didi wanted to watch the band so how could I say no. They were awesome!! my friends would love them. Anyhoo.. Pale ale and Pepperoni Pizza, killer music what more could a girl ask for? The thing was, I wasn't smiling, it takes too much effort to smile especially at the end of the day. but Didi kept asking me what was up? why was I in a bad mood? I mean if I am not smiling does that really mean I am in a bad mood. it just means that I am not in a good mood yea... I didn't need to talk, if I did I wouldn't go to Wala. I was just comfortable soaking in the culture. He couldn't understand that.

After the final set ended, I finished off the last of my pizza and hailed a cab to Anhong place. The guys were playing poker. And for the first time in NEVER it wasn't at my place. It was a bad decision to head there straight. It meant that I had to wait till they finished before I could get a lift home. Which was what happened. I slept there from 3 to 5am.

At the end of it YH had bagged $100, good job son! and I was gloating to Kenneth that I did not have to do anything on Friday. Then he causally mentioned, "don't forget about my event tomorrow, you must be there." What?

Apparently months ago I agreed to go to this party with him so that he could bag an internship. So at 8.00pm I prepared.. bathed, got dress, put on my make up, swopped out of my dress a couple of times because he didn't tell me what kinda party it was.. still had not heard form him. I called him at 9pm and he was asleep. He see-sawed between going and not going for about 5 minutes over the phone and decided finally we'll go for 15 mins then go watch a movie.

I had to work this morning and I've had enough of this nonsense. I stayed home.

It didn't make me mad, but it did make me very annoyed.

Crap.. It was a date.. How clueless was I? Thank God he'll be away...

I'd been waiting for the movie for some time, and was worried that watching the movie would send me catapulking into the arms of someone. Thus evading loneliness. Or lead me to believe in some whirwind fairytale instead of the commitment that is a relationship.

I think I got it. I have it together :)
*Beams*
Patience.. till when I become the exception.
Till then I'm happy to be part of the rule.

Till I meet someone again that has me as their exception. That'll even though I say NO the first time.. That I'll apologise in advance for guarding my heart..

I hope that I can finally be for someone a pillar of support. Provide. Love with all my ity bity heart. Commit with hesitation..

I'm glad to know better now.

So glad that we finally met up. Thanks for keeping your word. You made my week. I wonder how you're doing and why you were so nice to me yesterday.

So glad to see you. see you in a past light. I know I shouldnt but I couldnt help it.

For a moment there.. It was good.

to keep pace with my weekly quoto of rantings..

I wander how to get out of the dating cesspool that I've formed. If others are clueless.. what about me?

I spent much of saturday fending of teases from leroy. I know he means well for J but really, I wont eat where I shit. He might be a nice person, but I wont date someone who drives a sports car but stinges on meals.

There's V.. he doesnt get it.. I really dont give a rats ass about him.. He's got an anger issue. He 32. and by my measure a washup. He might be persistent.. But there is NO feeling.. I mean. we're both into the outdoor stuff. travelling.. we got tonnes of common interest.. BUT!!! its platonic..

I mean with i guess Andrew there might not have a lot of common interest to begin with.. and by golly he was patient.. but what permeated through the time dating him was he was attentive.. you could feel the connection, thoughfulness and at times I'll have to agree that he was rather smooth..

I know I cannot compare.. I shouldn't!!

It begs the question.. must I have feelings before pursuing a rls.. or grow that feeling...

Which for me is tough.. I usually dont allow myself to fall for people until I'm in the rls.. Doing it the other way around use to work for me cos ppl would date me and I would fall for them..

But now the dating rules are changing, there might not be feelings involved or conveyed.. you date. you decide....
I'm screwed. Older guys are much more guarded, but with good measure. They probably have been burned one too many times.

I feel very vulnerable having feelings for someone without the assurance that it'll be reciprocated. It scares me. But it looks like it'll come to that...

I am afraid, but I guess sometimes its ok to take risk :)
All or nothing.. no hurry..
-------------------------------------

eyes closed thoughts adrift, whispy clouds and cuddles
a shadow in my mind, a vivid notion
smiles on pavements
the faintest of impressions
a simple devotion, hold on dear when it grips and tightened
and chart the footprints in the sand
not comfort, nor longing
but a feeling like you're coming home


I suck at writing happy stuff..


-------------------

its really rare..
today and the last one week has been good. At ease. I hope that this keeps up :)
I wanna feel like this forever..
Independent. Feminine. Spontaneous. Happy. Empowered.
let's keep it that way :)

Acknowleding what's good
It shouldn't be this hard

Knowing what I like
should NOT be in respect to what others like

So starting NOW, I'm compling a list of things.
About me :)... Whee~~

Favourites
Movies -Penelope, Swordfish, Wicker Park
Food - cheesecake, sushi
Green
addicted to eye liner
wish she bothered to paint her toe nails, wear dresses but it often overcome with waffs of anxiety
pretends to be afraid of lizards, roaches, rats and tickles so that she fits in
loves a good puzzle
hates stupid people
longs for something to cuddle.. maybe a floppy eared bunny
have a helicopter phobia
can't imagine things in pictures but I'm working on it
itching to travel to central asia and middle east
wish that I stop thinking how I feel..
place- upper pierce reservoir and now labrador park
will do her MBA at 25
own at home at 26
her heart is open to getting hurt
recently gor herself some guts
finally embracing her star sign.
can't decide on what sneakers to buy
right now is striking out against T-shirts
hates the clutter in her room - throw away a bag a week
procrastinates like she is doing now
I'm photogenic ;)
Talk a bit too much, sometimes not at all
love the outdoors, dance

lol.. gosh..
*note to self - please organise!!!

I can't seem to get it. What is wrong with me. There has to be something the matter if I am still stuck. Maybe I'll never be happy again, that I'm not meant to have a happy ending. Girl.. I think you blew it, your chance at happiness. YOU FOOL!

So people are asking me why am I still single. *sheepishly* My stardards are high?

I know I know.. I have got to be patient about it. Love will happen in its own time, but how will it happen if I can't get him off my mind.

Those months 2 years ago, are one big blur of crying and long hours cooped up in my own little world. Friends have been asking me about what happened to us and I can't give them a good answer. Just a pathetic I was at a different place in my life.

As I start to piece together what happened. That day was actually, a happy day. Maybe it was good that it ended that way I guess. It had been a good week. Everything was going well, but my mind was racing at a 100 miles an hour.

it won't last I told myself. That eventually this bubble would burst because doing what felt so good would in the end land me in deep shit. Who would have guessed that it had already happened. A disasater waiting to be found out. My emotions snowballed out of control. And if I couldn't control myself, maybe he could, but that would turn out not so.

Since I can't have him stuck with me through his Uni life, since around him I was someone carefree allowing things to happen to me that would eventually betray me. I can't I've gotta run. My judgement was impaired, why had I not taken into consideration all the good times.

I know that's probably not one of my shining moments. But I guess my body knew what would come in the months that turned. Because I couldn't put drew through an emotional torture that cut so deep.

What happened in the following months was a mixture of longing, regret, joy for any time spent with him was fun, silly, wonderful. I know I can never have again what I have left behind. As much as I want it now, I don't want it! It's time to let go.

I've gotten it off my chest. I love you, and am simply glad to know that you're smiling.