after a wonderful night, E stopped the car outside my home. " I have something to ask you." he said. "are you single? are you seeing anyone? because i like you." "would you be my little girlfriend?"

"do I just say yes?" "yes." was my response.

it was plain, simple, prompt. I wasn't expecting that. at least not now, not yet.
He is so amazing, and he has been so amazing to me. He looks out for me, more than anyone ever has. And he makes me melt. He truly is amazing. Like how Sherman described.

and L? I dont know. I guess thats it then. well that the way the cookie crumbles.

if I can speak freely, didi and I were talking, and he said I was doing nothing wrong as long as no one was lead on. I have feeling for both of them. But in different ways. One with my heart and one with my head.

it sucks to know that now he still makes my heart melt that we talk about life, not making future plans..

this is like 19 years old all fucking over again.

and to have someone who understands me is so amazing and I feel that it is more than I can ask for. by any means. He never fails to make me smile, he goes out of his way to spend time with me and make it feel so well taken care of. I have never!!! felt like this and its a feeling that I could get use to.. hehe.. especially since I felt that I've been so broken, he makes me feel like the prettiest girl at the ball.. I can't wait to build on what we have. I am excited, I am eager.. I have fears, i know that it might now be easy.. but he will make it all worthwhile.

when we watched one day.. he rooted for that jerk.. I couldnt understand..

but to me that jerk is like L. If he didnt know I liked him, he's blind, he blows hot and cold, he's busy. and though I try to tell him in my own subtle way maybe I was being too discrete. L makes me feel like a giddy school girl. If I was lucky to have a boy like him, I would never ever let him go. He doesn't like the same things that I do, but it doesn't matter, I would travel the world to make him happy, do anything to make him smile and surprise him.. he makes me so happy, he doesn't have to do anything. fuck man.


he's been away and you've been here to hold me, love me and tell me that everything has a silver lining. and for that I think that there is no point being disappointed time and time again.. I will love you and I don't need magic in my life.


i cant wait for tmr :)

i stand here slightly off centre, at the crossroads. And either way I turn I see great possibilities and regrets.

Today E called me when he found out training got cancelled and I could tell that he wanted to make sure that everything was alright, which is always is. And to have someone who is so willing to look out for me and pick me up to go for dinner and plan out evening. It makes my heart melt.

this isn't L and there is no comparison. It isn't a compromise either. E looks out for me in a completely different way. I wish that I could do the same for him.

i'm tired. I just don't want to be alone anymore.

its one giant leap of faith
and I hope that you'll be there waiting
though it hurts to think that you wont be there,
I know that what ever the outcome it'll be for the best



I'm so fucking confused between the person I am and the person I want to be and everything seems so blurred that I can't tell where I start and where the bullshit ends. All I know is that I want to clear this all up and start being my awesome self :)

i think that it has been really humbling to get kicked out. it really helps re-priortise what is important. Too add to that I had a really enjoyable weekend and next week is going to be even more fabulous.

I am really determined to make the most out of my next 365 days to start a revenue generating business and take it on head strong and face all adversity with strength and grace.

and it sometimes takes getting out of my head to gain all this clarity. I should have done this eons ago.

I am no longer afraid to do what I want when I want it, Even though others might not see it as I do, they respect it. and most importantly I stand by what I believe in. I am so proud of myself over the weekend that despite being put in my place I still stuck to my guns and picked myself up and faced it on strong.

love myself, love what I have done and what I stand for. Love that I stand alone and the view is amazing.
Its not that I am don't want for someone. But for a long time, I feel that it makes no difference. I love being here. In the moment and doing things at my own whim and fancy.




today edwin asked how I was doing, and that boy really knows how to make my day. He grows on me. But i think.. there are things more important right now.

i think sitting through most of it has allowed me to get a feel for what is lacking in my life and maybe what I need I cannot find here. i think there needs to be some discerning...

i believe I am meant for bigger things

its true that there was a lack of rapport. and maybe I could have done something to change that.

But it is true that they never wanted me there in the first place and that no matter what I love my job.

I guess pete and I come from different worlds. He gets chased out of of kids coaching and I get thrown out of POE. I think I feel privileged that way.

Rajat has a point that there are more important things in my life than coaching. at least coaching POE. Has it really come to this? Its funny how POE has to push you in funny ways.

My coaching skills speaks for itself. I am confident in that.

On whether or not I gel with the group. If there was one group i didn't want to gel with. It'll be this one. So no lost to me :)

I am actually kinda glad that I don't have to stay up until 5am tmr.

i am filled with so much joy and its from the knowing that I am so blessed and that I am fortunate beyond words. that my life has been strengthened and filled with wisdom. that I might not have what others have, but that does not make me an less of a person. We measure our lives with different yard sticks and I set my standards high.

I will own a landed property, a property in Australia and drive an audiTT. I will own a business with a staff of 10 and an annual turnover of 5 million.

I will speak 5 languages and be an accomplished pianist. I will live well and travel widely and be well read. I may not be the most beautiful but I will be well dressed and polished.

when you know what you want, and you see it clearly i your mind, you unconscious will find a way to get the answers to these questions or problems.

I am from now on going to focus on what I have and love life and care about my best interest. there is no time to wait or worry because I have so much to get done. It starts now.

today I have a need for quiet time, and contemplation.

Dear Lord, I put my trust in you to help me follow in your will. That I will work hard to achieve the plan that you have created for me.

I realize that I have neglected you and have not put you as a priority in my life. I struggle to decided what is important in my 24 hour day that I have not put most of it to good use. I pray for guidance and the strength of knowing what is the right thing to do. I love you lord and thank you for giving me family and friends who love me so unconditionally that my life feels so complete.

Thank you for giving me compassion, and self-awareness, giving me the tenacity to finish what I start and be task oriented. I look forward to being more jovial and silly to let loose and carefree.

I love life, I love the life you have given me.


I want to do the very best for you and my family and to honor everything that you have given me.

I look forward to spending the next 2 week making plans about my future and the next month working hard to making them come true.

Yesterday I sat down at Marche and grilled Kristy as I ate my crepes. I can't help but be happy for her and Daniel. How 4 months has changed her world and she is ready to commit to a marriage. What a brave girl, foolish? maybe.. but genuine, you can see it on her face and and in the way she speaks about it. Honest, minus the fanfare, realistic yet sweet and endearing.

Today I am over the moon!!! Jun said, you all would be my bridesmaid at my wedding right and we squealed like school girls we asked to see the rock and swooned for the details about how Andy popped the question. I am so excited to plan their wedding. They don't seem to be in any hurry and I am glad. They have so many things figured out and had to accommodate to each others' lives. I am glad that they have most of it worked out and they are not demanding about what they want and still are so happy to spend time together and make their long distance work. Amazing!!!

and I have accepted their request for me to be their bridesmaid. I'm thrilled!

against my better judgement I went diving. And this Friday we're headed out to some haunted house.

I know that he isn't remotely interested, he just isn't in that head space and I shouldn't be to. I promise that after Friday it is goodbye.

though he never fails to put a smile on my face.. yes even when he tackles me or tries to click crumbs all on me.


maybe I won't be able to bear the pain of rejection, that the numbness I feel from walking away would dull, but that if he doesn't feel like I do, that would sting.

I do not need more than I already have and already I feel joy.



i can only speak for myself. and I think that he doesn't have room for me in his life and i understand. I think he is amazing and for a while there I thought life without him would be odd.

we do have a groove, one that comes with a mutual understanding and keen interest in each other. Maybe more me than him. but to hear him say that he doesn't care and he has no space for me. That would shatter me. And I might be one tough cookie and I could withstand a lot of things, but that would make me weak in the knees.

i won't second guess this.. stop it.


Roll with the punches, love. get your heart broken. fuck it. Stop taking everything so seriously, live in the grey a little.