its been a long time since i've written here... i guess i counldn't find the time..
or maybe i didnt need it.. but what ever it is.. i'm back... its news... not good or bad... i'm feeling really tired.. n though all i want is to go to sleep.. i shall push on to finish what i set out to do today... my south asian presentation material.. the structure of my qualitative survey.. and if i have anymore energy, i'll do that phhilosophy essay i need to rewrite.

but that's not why i'm here..

i'm tired.. i'm tired of waiting.. giving.. holding on and letting go.. breaking down.. missing you.. being strong for you..

don't get me wrong.. i've got all i ever wanted and more.. i cant say that i'm happy.. but i'm contented.. i've lived around conflict so long.. had so my bumps along the way.. that i don't think i can live with happy.. i don't know how to be happy..

and honest to god.. i'm tired of weekend.. and revolving around you.. running away from my world.. something seems strangely missing this week.. maybe it was just a bad week.. and i needed yooou.. but you're always so tired.. you've always got stuff to do.. n i never want to be one of those girls who is such a nag n bore and drains you of all the spare energy the army takes away during the day..

so i spare what i have to say.. and i'll listen and keep it all in.. your comforting voice should be enough to sooth my nerves.. but the call ends too soon.. the day flies my.. and now as i type this.. i want to run to my room to cry..



where was i..

oh.. so the lst couple of days i've been asking myself.. is this all woth it.. what do i want out of this long term.. what's in it for me.. and i realised.. i don't have anything planned... the last 6 months.. even a year.. would have been unbearable without you.. n though it aches at the thot that i might just let you go... i was seriously considering it.. because i really dont know what i want...

i feel like those pet dogs.. with half hearted owners.. those that are tossed aside when ur watching ur fav soaps.. thenn when ur free you play with them.. cuddle them.. and then you all of a sudden go back to being just a shadow in the corner.. but i cant be the centre of attention.. i dont need to be...

maybe its my fault...that i never seem to need it.. that i put up this independent front.. stupid me... haiz.. maybe its the freaking army.. it hates me.. whatever it is.. andrew has beenever so sweet and tender.. every momeent we spend together is blissful.. i dont know why i'm saying all this i'm just pretty torn...

but i changed my mind..which is the important bit...

while i walked home today.. i phoned andrew he was drinking.. alone..sobz.. baby i'm sorry i couldnt be there.. he spoke to dominique.. n cleared out some stuff.. he told me what he told her.. and i held my breath as i took it all in.. it melted my fears away.. n though this silly arragement breaks my heart each week.. it still doesnt stop the fact that he needs me.. n i lurve him.. andthough thislittle voice in my head tells me i can cont without him, i dont want to.

babyi'm sorry sorry for thinking this way.. one dayi'll sit back andlaf at this.. at how foolish i was.. till then.. i'll remain the fool....